


I <3 U

by nouvellebrielle



Category: Saiyuki, Saiyuki Gaiden
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nouvellebrielle/pseuds/nouvellebrielle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>University isn't supposed to be this difficult. Online laptop technicians aren't supposed to be such bastards. Konzen isn't supposed to be dealing with all this shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I <3 U

**Author's Note:**

> The pairing does actually read Ukoku Sanzo/Konzen Douji. This isn't a tag error, which means that there's so much crack in this I'm not even sure that I wasn't smoking anything while writing it. 
> 
> So. A friend commented on the aesthetic value of the pairing and also how Ukoku would be the worst person for someone like Konzen to deal with. One thing led to another and this monster was born. It also happens to be the first thing I've written in ages and brought to the table. Figures. 
> 
> Apart from that, it's only rated mature because of Ukoku. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_**KonDou1 enters the chatroom.** _

**KonDou1:** Is this where I may obtain advice on how to fix my laptop?

 **KonDou1:** I’ve pasted my computer specs here.

 **KonDou1:** Thank you.

_**SEXYBiOtCH87 enters the chatroom.** _

**SEXYBiOtCH87:** Dude, iz tt e new slang 4 a blowjb??

 **KonDon1:** What.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** M gd at those ijs ;O

 **KonDon1:** …

 **KonDon1:** No. Isn’t this the advice forum for laptops?

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** I can b on ur lapTOP

 **KonDon1:** NO. Look. I need help. So get off this chat if you’re not offering any.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** ROFL. DUDEEE. M offering so FKin much u dun even noe I m ttly getting OFF on dis chat rite nw

_**KonDon1 leaves the chatroom.** _

‘Help me.’

 

Tenpou doesn’t even look up at him because he’s a cold-hearted bastard with no interest in anything but Viking History and the Business major that looks nothing like the bearded, hairy barbarians he once said he’d put out for.

 

Konzen taps his fingers on his crossed arms and grits out, ‘please.’

 

With a long-suffering sigh, Tenpou glances up at Konzen through his eyelashes. The bloody sissy. ‘I’m _busy_ , Konzen,’ he says, ‘and I haven’t the faintest why your programmes won’t run. I’m not a tech wiz.’

 

That’s such a blatant lie that Konzen is disgusted. If Tenpou can’t fix it, no anonymous online technician will be able to. Tenpou once solved a bot problem for World of Warcraft because he couldn’t bear the thought of not completing his faction dailies.

 

‘Besides, try out the website that I recommended to you.’

 

‘I have.’ Konzen’s fingers grip down so hard he thinks he’s giving his own biceps bruises, to match his equally bruised pride from having fled the chatroom like a virginal girl. ‘Nothing there but sick perverts. Thanks.’

 

Tenpou has the gall to glare up at him. ‘You shouldn’t insult people who are attempting to assist you,’ he says stiffly. ‘Now please leave me alone, I’m hard at work here.’

 

He isn’t. He’s attempting to compose ancient Germanic love poetry for an idiot that wouldn’t understand a word anyway. Konzen tells him that his rhyme sucks—there’s a translation on the side—and leaves in a hissy fit.

 

 

 

_**SEXYBiOtCH87 enters the chatroom.** _

**KonDon1:** I’ve posted my specs. Please assist me, I need my laptop for a school project.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Call me teacher n I will ;)

 **KonDon1:** … You’re the technician?

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** I hav gd technique

 **KonDon1:** But shit spelling

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** LOLOL If I blow ur mind or just u rly u will 4get tt

 **KonDon1:** Just the laptop thanks.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** ROFL U r funny

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** I bet ur hot 2 ;*

 **KonDon1:** Stop that. Can you help me or not?

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Ur specs lk gd but I bet ur pecs will lk btr send pix?? ARE YOU BLOND I LYKE BLONDS

 **KonDon1:** NO.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Pls pls pls pls pls pls plsplsplsplsplsplpslpslsplsplsplsplspslspsplspsl

 **KonDon1:** STOP THAT

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** If u call me teacher

_**KonDon1 has left the chatroom.** _

 

 

 

‘Do you think he’ll notice?’ Tenpou whispers to Konzen, who slams his forehead down onto their lecture table and tries not to die from irritation. Whoever decided to insist that Humanities students do a Business elective should be blinded-folded and shot. 

 

‘I don’t think he cares,’ Konzen retorts, because he has a mean streak. It isn’t mean enough though so he does feel a smidgeon of guilt when he sees Tenpou’s crestfallen face. ‘…Maybe he just doesn’t understand.’ Of course he doesn’t fucking understand. Sha Kenren has probably never read anything longer than a comic book in his life. It makes complete sense that he’s staring at the letter on his desk with enough confusion to cross his eyes.

 

‘I guess that’s a week wasted then,’ Tenpou murmurs. And Konzen’s guilt dies a swift and thorough death.

 

‘I’ll tell you what’s a week wasted,’ he says, eyes narrowed. ‘I still can’t get my computer to work, thanks for the help.’

 

‘Bring it to the tech department.’

 

‘You know I _can_ ’ _t._ ’ Konzen has a pathological phobia of having his computer hacked, not that he keeps anything of importance in it anyway. But it’s a matter of principle.

 

Tenpou rests his chin on the table and moons over the idiot four rows down. ‘How can I write him a note he’ll understand?’

 

‘Try English.’

 

 

 

 **KonDon1:** I need this FIXED. PLEASE.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Sur. Bt I nd my cock fixed. Do u care?

 **KonDon1:** Why the hell should I?!

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Lol oh gd finally a normal reaction frm u

 **KonDon1:** …

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** U need 2 relax dudeeee

 **KonDon1:** No thank you.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Y NT? U gt a stick up ur arse BTW

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** U can put 1 up mine if u like ;)

 **KonDon1:** If you’re not going to fix my computer, I’m going to stop coming back here.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** NO WAIT STOP

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** I GT IT I GT IT HANG ON DUN GO NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

 **KonDon1:** What’s your problem. Really.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** I think ur 1 hot muthafaka

_**KonDon1 leaves the chatroom.** _

 

For two fucking months, Konzen can’t explain why he keeps logging back onto that very same chatroom to have innuendo and downright dirty and distasteful comments keyed his way. He’s long since caved in and brought his laptop to a clinic, but he _wants_ to get this…this idiot—no, he’s not saying the name—to try his hand at fixing the problem anyway. It’s become a matter of pride.

 

Speaking of pride, some people don’t have any.

 

‘He thinks it’s that girl from my military history class,’ Tenpou moans. ‘The one that’s been drooling after him since before the Migration period.’ He’s gripping the edge of the table hard enough to dent the plastic in. Konzen is reminded abruptly that Tenpou was the Kendo national champion in high school.

 

Konzen looks over. Sha is indeed talking to her, a friendly grin on his face.

 

‘He’s not going to go out with her, he’s just being nice,’ he mutters, wondering when he started sounding like the girls in those trashy serials he pretends he doesn’t watch when his aunt has them on T.V.

 

‘I don’t know,’ Tenpou says, getting a bit hysterical. ‘How long have I been trying to make contact? Forever. And here she is, enjoying the fruits of my labour.’

 

‘He’s used to supermodels. She’s not his type.’

 

‘I have a dick,’ Tenpou declares in the loudest of tones, ‘I am _less_ his type.’

 

The theatre falls silent. Konzen decides there and then to wash his hands off psychos.

 

But then Sha walks over and stops by Tenpou’s side, Tenpou who’s struggling not to asphyxiate. He grins and reaches out to ruffle Tenpou’s hair.

 

‘Yeah, but you’re pretty enough to be anyone’s type,’ he drawls, before winking and leaving, because he’s the player of the millennia. Konzen hates his guts because now he’s never going to ever convince Tenpou to drop it.

 

He sneaks a glance at Tenpou.

 

‘Our children will love the picket fence,’ Tenpou says.

 

Konzen decides that he’ll stop talking to **SEXYBiOtCH87** after all. No sense in joining the crazies.

 

 

 

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** U mus <3 me 2 dere’s no reason y u keep cumming ;) ;) ;)

 **KonDon1:** Shut up.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Fuck yeah I hav a gag kink

 **KonDon1:** I’m never sleeping with you so you can give up on that.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Nt even if I fix ur comp?

 **KonDon1:** No.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** All rite nt fuckin bt mayb a mutual handjb??

 **KonDon1:** No.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Coldhearted bastard

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** How abt a vid of u masturbating

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** TT wud b awsom I can alrd imagine it

 **KonDon1:** …You don’t know what I look like.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Gd pt. I wanna see u

 **KonDon1:** NO.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** If I fix ur comp giv me a kiss

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** DUN REJECT DIS YET IM HANDSUM

 **KonDon1:** I seriously doubt that.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** Y???

 **KonDon1:** Because you’re trolling an internet chatroom for sex.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** LOL U USED TROLL SO PROUD OF U

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** IM RLY HANDSUM N SMART 2 LET ME PROV IT 2 U

 **KonDon1:** I sincerely don’t believe you’ll be able to do that.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** WHEN U SEE ME U WILL NOE

 **KonDon1:** …

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** SAY YES IM BORED UR BORED TTS Y WERE HERE NO

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** HALLO?

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** UHUUUU

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** SEXY Y U LEAVE ME? ;(((((((((((((((((((

 **KonDon1:** I’m not going anywhere with you alone.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** FK YES FK OK JUS DINS I PROMIS AND TT KISS IF I GT THIS RITE

 **KonDon1:** No kisses

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** ONLY IF I DO A GD JOB DEN I DESERVE A KISS EVERY1WHO DOES A GD JOB DOES

 **KonDon1:** You sound stupid to me.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** BUT U AGREE 2 MEET ME?

 **KonDon1:** … Sushi.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** DEAL I NOE A PLACE. HALF SEVEN TMR OUTSIDE TENKAI UNI CENTRAL STATION. I hav glasses n sexy tousld hair

 **KonDon1:** I am blond.

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** FK I KNEW IT IN MY WET DREMS

 **KonDon1:** …

 **SEXYBiOtCH87:** All right, I’ll be serious. See you tomorrow. ;)

_**SEXYBiOtCH87 has left the chatroom.** _

**KonDon1:** … I knew you could type properly.

 **KonDon1:** Asshole.


End file.
